Domestic violence is very common in American families.  In almost 20% of all marriages, couples slap, shove, hit, or otherwise assault each other.  Emotional abuse - verbal threats, humiliating or degrading remarks, and controlling behavior - is even more common.  If you or someone you live is in an abusive relationship help is available.

Marital violence is especially common among young couples, and without intervention, may escalate in intensity or frequency.  In many marriages, violence begins with shoving or pushing.  Couples frequently ignore early aggressive incidents and believe that once the stressor ends, the violence will end. 

This is a myth.  Even minor acts of violence can escalate over time, increasing the risk of injury or even homicide.

How can you detect the beginnings of Domestic Violence?

There is no single type of marital violence.  Sometimes, controlling behavior on the part of her husband is a woman’s first sign that she may be in an abusive relationship.  Her husband may prevent her from seeing friends or family and make her feel guilty or afraid if she chooses to spend time with others.  Physical assaults coupled with increased social isolation strengthen his control.  Over time, a woman can come to feel like a hostage in her own house.

Other Types of Domestic Violence:

In other relationships, the violence is different.  Both the husband and wife slap or shove each other when they get angry.  Often, they are more concerned about the content of their disagreements than the violence itself, and neither partner sees themselves as being abused or controlled.  However, even violence that is not part of a controlling, frightening relationship can devastate a marriage, lead to criminal charges and injuries, and have long-term negative effects on children who witness it.  There is help for couples like this as well.

How can you get help?

Since domestic violence is a crime, one way to get help is to call the police.  If you have been hit by your partner or are afraid for your safety, your first response needs to be to protect yourself and your children.  The police can be your first line of defense.  You can also call the local Battered Women’s Shelter Organization, community crisis line, or community mental health agency to find out what services are available to you.  Most communities have offender treatment, victim support services, and access to a shelter where you and your children can go if you are afraid.

If the violence has not escalated to the point that you are fearful, but you or your partner recognize that the way you argue is not healthy and want to prevent destructive arguing form destroying your marriage or escalating to battering, there is a variety of options available to you.  Most communities have anger management or men’s treatment programs that can be found through the mental health services agency.  These programs help you learn skills to resolve conflict and handle anger without letting it escalate. 

In addition to anger management and victim’s support groups, you may want to seek marital therapy if you are both committed to ending the violence and improving the marriage.  Marital therapists work with couples to develop strategies for resolving conflict without violence.  Make sure that your therapist knows about the violence in your relationship and has experience and training in working with marital violence. 

If you decide to leave a violent relationship, a marriage and family therapist can help you and your children deal with the changes in your lives and with the trauma you have each experienced.  A Marriage and Family therapist can help you access your strengths and coping skills to move forward.