Relationship Counseling for Individuals and Couples
6 Ways We Get "Stuck"
1. Using Misery Stabilizers
Misery stabilizers are what we turn to instead of each other, instead of standing up and facing the issues. Some common examples are work, food, shopping, TV, alcohol, excessive us of the computer or Internet, Etc. These ‘stabilizers” are a form of withdrawal and will compromise the quality of your relationships if they go unchecked.
2. Needing to be Right
When we engage in needing to be right, nothing is more important than being right. When we’re listening to our partner and he or she says something that we disagree with, we either interrupt to let him or her know that s/he’s wrong (and why) or we spend the next several minutes thinking about how we are going to prove that she or he is wrong as soon as we get a chance to talk in which case we are no longer listening).
3. Controlling Your Partner
When we try to control our partner, we try to get them to do what we want. We can try to control them directly as in making demands, or indirectly as in manipulation. We can try to control them explicitly or implicitly, as with passive aggressive behaviors. Whichever way we go, direct or indirect, explicit or implicit, we are setting ourselves up for failure. The only things that we can control are what WE ourselves say or do. Although we can influence people, we cannot control them. Trying to control another person, any person, is inappropriate. In fact, it’s abusive. And although, control may lead to compliance for now, it will not lead to a healthy, loving relationship. No one likes to be controlled, and sooner or later, you will pay for your efforts.
4. Unbridled Self-Expression
When we take on this particular strategy, it’s all about getting things off our chest. We tell our partner (or whomever) in no uncertain terms, just how unhappy we are with them and just what we think of them. You do not need to say everything that’s on your mind. And how you say whatever it is you choose to say will make all the difference to your partner, the listener.
Retaliation is about payback, revenge. Retaliation can be passive-aggressive or just plain aggressive in either small or dramatic ways.
Withdrawal can be physical, as in physically leaving the room or storming out but it can also be psychological. “I’m in the room with you but I’m not connected to you”.
I can help you minimize these six ways couples get stuck! If you're experiencing a Crisis or uncomfortable relationship issues, please feel free to call or contact me directly NOW for a confidential, complimentary telephone consultation about your concerns and to discuss your options. Contact me at (818) 859-6766 or use the Contact Form to the right to learn how I may be of assistance to you.